I just turned-in my very last paper of undergrad and as I hit the submit button on b courses, my eyes watered for the first time this semester. Perhaps, for the first time this entire academic year.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want to feel but for the past while, I had to be entirely logical and strategic to attempt to stabilize this abstract thing otherwise known as a future.
This is not my right, nor my responsibility. This act is part of my humanity and technology. To mechanize is to remove ones-self from the emotional context, but the ability to succumb to this is driven by natural, flawed instinct.
We aim to control what appears chaotic, what is God-given, and tame what would otherwise be perfection. We compartmentalize and organize and rationalize with every ounce of energy we have. For what? To exercise the little power we have so we can overcome feeling threatened in a moment of flux.
How absolutely ridiculous.
It’s wasteful to actively seek control to govern what is created by and subject to The Almighty. We are called to love, and to become loving. Because God is love and those identify with Christ are to be ambassadors of love.
Pero like especially in a world of hate like why are we like this.
________________
My last paper was difficult. I knew exactly what I wanted to say but resisted the conglomeration of ideas. A few ideas as to why because I am not entirely satisfied with its production…
- it’s the last one so naturally, i resist the reality of it being the signal of the finitude of my undergraduate academic experience. ugh ok so that means denial, basically.
- it’s on Nietzsche and Wagner, so it exemplifies a lot of projections on people in my life that have been difficult for the past x amount of months and since we haven’t resolved things in real life, i’m attempting to reconcile two genius’s. dumb.
- i turned in my thesis on Monday and have run out of energy to think and produce thought, thus, i cannot write properly or even construct a basic argument. getting warmer?
- i have a final from 8-11AM tomorrow and that is a form of cruelty that will mark my last final ever ever everrrrrrrr AND i have to pick up TWO blue books for it. lame excuse.
- being almost done isn’t fun because everything is happening fast and everything is a lot of things. rude but true.
I think that’s about it.
In truth, I absolutely love what I wrote about and my heart is very much in what I study. It results in work that I am not so much proud of but am earnestly present in. And to know that I’ve grown through it is a testament to the skill that has trained me.
I’ll miss my faculty and friends in both departments. We all have visions of improving the passive societies enhanced by technological mediums. We know that we can’t stop thinking because that’s when we fail and succumb to the systems that control us so well.
_____
Under philosophy, I hope to continue reading and learning on what currently interests me. I’ve been obsessed with semiotics so, it seems practical to become fluent in semantics and pragmatics. At that rate, I might very well pursue linguistics independently. Could be fun.
I’ll definitely be re-reading all the texts I’ve gone over the past few years. I am quite possibly beginning to memorize Simulation and Simulacra by Jean Baudrillard, Limited Inc by Jacques Derrida, Adorno’s Negative Dialectics, Nietzsche’s Untimely Meditations, and Marx’s German Ideology, & Warner’s Publics and Counterpublics. For now, I’m at least conversational in the lexicon’s developed by The Frankfurt School’s school of Critical Theory.
It’s not sad. I’m not a doomed nihilist.
I’m hopeful that learning won’t stop.
For that, I am excited.
as the title suggests, i’ll be writing more about the conclusion of this chapter of life. my department graduations are not until next wednesday so that will serve as a more official, ceremonial ending.
collectif de cole 